TEN.

Nothing points to the existence of a detailed Creator quite like a newborn baby does. As I held my brand new, itty bitty, twin niece and nephew I was amazed once again by the whole birth process. Not only are these intricate, delicately formed new babies a testament to Our Creator but so are the strong mamas whose bodies endure pain and exhaustion to get them here and then provide for them once they’ve arrived. Being on this side of things is weird. I always thought I’d be the one to be having baby after baby. I loved being pregnant and loved labor. But, there’s a big part of me that feels like I won’t do either of those things again. Yet, my burning desire for more kids hasn’t faded. I’ve learned a lot in the waiting. I’ve overanalyzed, questioned, felt angry, envious, and sad. But, I’ve also felt complete joy and astonishment over the blessing of the 2 kids I’ve been given. It’s weird how our brains can feel very opposite emotions all at once. Again, evidence that a complex Creator has been at work. I don’t know what our family will look like in the future. I don’t know if our pack will stop at 4 or if it will one day grow. Lately, though I’ve felt a strong urge to be still and love the ones I’ve already been given. I haven’t been great at it over the last year. It takes work for me to not get caught up in the stress and disappointment over things not going the way I planned. Unfortunately, the people closest to me can feel the burden of that. So, here in the unknown, I will fight to love them in a way that is meaningful to them.

God knows what we need. He knew my brother needed to be given twins to strip him a little more of his desire for control and to encourage surrender. He lovingly lets hard stuff happen to prune us to make us more like Him. And His timing is right. Even if it’s not my own. I am now on the other end of the diaper changes, constant feedings, and sleepless nights (well sort of!) and feel like I can breathe a little more comfortable without the weight of always being needed. But, my brother, he’s just entering that world of chaos. So, as I wait to hopefully enter that world again, I get to hold his two precious babies and love on his 2-year-old, too! God knows how to speak to our hurting hearts and TWO newborns have a way of doing just that!