Twenty-two.
In October, On Kriag’s 33rd birthday, I looked down at the test I had just taken and saw 2 little pink lines- it had happened! There was another little life forming! Getting the chance to grow, deliver, and raise another child is such an undeserving gift. Yet, in His mercy, He meets me in my desires and fulfills something that we’ve hoped for. We are owed nothing by the Creator of the world, yet He still gives. This time though, I also fully understood that we are in a broken world where there is death and pain and that 2 little pink lines don’t always mean a joyful ending. So, as I looked down in disbelief at that test, complete thankfulness overtook me, but also strong fear.
We are now 14 weeks from that day. Baby has continued to grow and has a strong heartbeat and I am finally feeling like it’s okay to get excited. Over the last weeks, the kids' comments and thoughts on a new baby have been so sweet. Colton hides most emotions and processes a lot internally so hearing him joyfully talk about the baby makes my heart soar. Preston wears her heart on her sleeve more and often proclaims, “The baby is going to be so adorable! I don’t care if it’s a boy or girl I just want a baby!”
When I was pregnant with Preston, Colton was too little to fully understand what it truly meant, so it has been such a fun experience to view this pregnancy through their excitement. They are old enough to understand what a new baby means- for Colton, it means “well, I better get used to a lot of crying since a baby is going to live at our house” and “do you think the baby boy or girl will want to peddle my bike when they are older while I ride on my pegs?” For Preston, it means “I get to be a big sister!” (So in other words, a real-life baby doll to take care of!)
In the past, our kids have felt the brokenness of the world though. And they know from last time what the disappointment of a baby not making it to birth feels like. They’ve also felt (and still feel) the pain of falling in love with kids you think will be with you forever just to have them leave. They’ve felt pain, but now they are getting to feel the immense excitement of life too. This little tiny life that will join us this summer is such a gift of redemption for us all, and for that, we are so, so grateful.
